Honesty

It's not often, i fact I don't do it at all, that I post anything about my emotional state on social media but something has propelled me to do so to share with others. I am nervous to do so in case well it's ignored and I will feel worse haha! So here goes. It must be noted I don't do vulnerable very well as I am such a proud person that likes to be tough all the time.

This is a really bad day for me today and I am questioning my ability to cope. Last night I cried myself to sleep and today I am constantly tearful. I know the best thing for me to do would be to shower, wash my hair, get out of bed and get dressed (not necessarily in that order) but I feel so overwhelmed I cannot face it. This week is five weeks since our lockdown here in France. Five weeks since I had more than a five minute conversation with another human being in person. Five weeks since I hugged or touched another person. I feel like I am today falling apart a bit. I don't now what the future holds or how I will feel once this is finally over. I feel so alone in this world and that I am not doing anything right at work or in any sphere of my life. The feeling of being perpetually crap at 'stuff' hangs over me like the cartoon black cloud. I've done meditation, yoga, walks and talked to family and friends yet today the floodgates have opened and I cannot stop the tears. I feel afraid of everything. The future, my job, paying bills, other peoples health. I feel fear.