Loneliness

I am so nervous about writing this and sharing but maybe I have to, so here goes.

I don't think I have ever felt so lonely in my entire life.

This is a sentence I would never have imagined that I would write or an emotion I would want any human to feel. I went back to work this week and the joy I felt just to be in the same room as my colleagues was immense. The physical distancing was really tough to do emotionally I suppose as I wanted to hug and let them know I appreciate them. I have spoken with friends and family over the weekend and I have had some truly amazing moments and laughs with them but I feel my life, in this new city, has been suspended. Loneliness claws it's way back in my mind.

Over the two months of lockdown here in France I have had a lot of time to think of my life, the person I want to be and the values I hold. A lot of soul searching has gone on and I do believe I am emerging from this lockdown a different person who went into it. I am such a lucky person and I feel grateful for all I have so why do I have this numbing loneliness?

I think that as I am a single 38 year old woman without children who would love to have a family of her own and a husband or partner and I don't have either has hit me hard during the lockdown.

I have questioned my entire life at times. Why did I favour my career over finding someone to have a baby with in my early 30s? Why was I so obsessed with having a company and bloody handbags and sunglasses when I should have been having experiences and better relationships? Why did I stay in the wrong relationships for years? Have I wasted my fertile years?

These questions are on a near constant spin in my head. I am so grateful I am a practising buddhist otherwise I think it could be a lot worse. I miss my family more than words can say and the fact that I don't know when I will see them again is hard to get my head around.

I try to cultivate hope that one day I will meet someone. I won't be alone forever and maybe even have children.

Loneliness is an emotion that is hard to find a cure for. Maybe hope is the medicine it needs.

If anybody is struggling or wants to talk please message I will help, support and connect with anyone during this time. If I can do anything to make another persons' life happier and easier I will.