The fire within...

I am going to admit something it has taken me thirty.eight years to fully admit to myself, let alone other people and now through my website to the world.

Here I am all vulerable, which by the way I hate being and I am far to proud and stubborn to ever really show vulnerability to other human beings. If I ever have shown this to you in person or I will in the future then you are a unique person and you probably mean a lot to me. Or hell has frozen over.

Here is it: I have a temper.

I blame it on many things. I am an Aries. I come from a lively, shouty family, I have lived in Spain (this is bollocks I have been like this my entire life), I was born with red hair, my family origins are Irish blah blah blah. But the truth is I have a temper and when I am angry it can get loud, dramatic and fiery.

The men in my life, past boyfriends and loves, have equally loved the sassy, spark in me (I am certainly no push over) and the ones who have been able more or less to handle me (no man has fully yet been able to handle me. This is for another post) have fallen in love with me. The others have probably been bewitched at first by my blonde hair (and copious charm of course ;) and connected this (very wrongly) with an angelic persona woman and been shocked when they realise they can't control me. I have a strong personality and I don't stand any shit. Think Gloria in Modern Family. This is why they didn't fall in love with me and are now with quiet women who say yes to them. Probably.

I love myself the way I am but my temper has not always worked for me. I have countless times lost my temper in banks, government buildings when doing tedious paperwork and I wouldn't be surprised if I am on the Orange España mobile phone company blacklist. The people who work in these settings either love me or hate me and I am often not forgotten there. I am an assertive person and when I see injustice or things being done wrongly I will complain and I will do it directly and I won't back down. Ever.

However, one thing I have learnt this year is the balance and difference between assertiveness and aggression. I can be and I have been told, I am a very charming person when I want to be. But my outbursts of temper started to stain this and made things a lot worse and ruined communication with other people, more than I cared to acknowledge. I am a practising Buddhist and I put this new calmer Suzie down to daily meditation an practice. Maybe I am older and a bit wiser?

I realise I missed out and skipped out the part in the middle. Why do I have less of a temper now than before? I have partly answered it in my renewed Buddhist faith and practice.

But, that's not the complete reason.

My family suffered a tragedy in summer 2018 and we lost my Aunt suddenly. When I looked at my shattered heart through eyes blinded by tears I vowed to myself that: I would be a better and kinder person, like she was to honour her memory.

I decided life was too short and too precious to waste being angry over things I wouldn't even be able to remember in twelve months time.

There are battles worth fighting in life: for love, for your children and family, for the life you know is yours.

There are battles that are not worth fighting in life.

Today I went to open a new bank account. The advisor was difficult from the second my bottom hit the uncomfortable chair in his office. He analysed my passport in such a way I felt I was in a police interview. I started to feel rage in my toes and it was only going to rise up my body. What was this arsehole's problem?

Then it stopped. I don't have the desire to be angry with him. He's never going to change. This is also French culture also. Paperwork reigns supreme. My life history is a little different from most peoples. I have lived in four counties. Have two companies in different countries. Speak three languages and I am British and now there is Brexit. I should have OTHER stamped on my forehead really.

The bank guy asked me loads of questions of where I pay my taxes and which company makes money. Some I answered truthfully, others I was evasive.

But not once did I get angry. I had lots of provocation.

Somethings in life are worth it.

I am determined to pursue these things with all the good passion and fire that makes me Suzie. Having a bad temper is a waste of my precious time.

Have a beautiful evening!

Peace and love always,

Suzie x x x